The perks system in the Call of Duty series has gone a bit crazy, with a massive range of extra toys and abilities now available to those who put in the hours and rank up enough to use them. You still need to get the required streak, obviously, whether that’s kills, objectives or consecutive deaths but it’s getting to the point where we think the series needs something a little bit different.
So, without further ado here’s our contribution to the brainstorm that’ll be happening when (if) the next Modern Warfare title enters the detailed planning stage. They don’t lend much to the realism of war, but they’d be quite fun…
Perk 1: X-ray Vision
The army has got some serious technology, and if you thought UAVs were handy then think again. X-ray vision won’t, as you might expect, allow you to see through walls but instead allow you to see through clothes in true 1980s joke-shop style. This will clearly allow you to see everyone’s underwear and unlock an extra ability to point and laugh at the opponent who’s running around in a thong. The embarrassment will cause the opponent to hide in a corner and be vulnerable to attacks from anyone nearby.
Perk 2: Dodgy Shoelaces
Drops a pair of super-comfy looking shoes on the battlefield which, when collected, sometimes come undone and cause the player to trip over and leave themselves open to being shot at while they recover. Another opportunity to point and laugh.
Perk 3: Annoyed Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Other Partner of Sorts Avoidance
This is an extra special perk, in that it opens the opportunity for a hyper-realistic situation that unfolds in your very own lounge. Unlocked after 50 hours of online gaming, this offers you a picture-in-picture episode of a chosen TV show (available for a small extra fee). When your other half comes down to complain you never spend any time with them, fire off the perk and feel the atmosphere thaw instantly.
Perk 4: The Kojak
Gives your character an instant bald and shiny head, blinding any opponents in the near vicinity. Levelling up the perk will allow you to polish your head even more giving you a tool more powerful than a flashband grenade.
Perk 5: There’s Somebody in the Giftshop
Using powerful voice recognition algorithms, this perk detects which players are 9 year old bratty kids who keep swearing at you for messing up that kill streak after 22 kills. Activating the perk reverses the gobby git’s controls and randomly kills them with a cry of “there’s somebody in the giftshop”. Hilarity ensues as they swear even more, powering up the perk to even more lethal levels.
Perk 6: Camp Cramp
Everyone loves a sniper who sits in the same spot and doesn’t move for the whole game. No not loves… hates. I always get those mixed up. Anti-camp causes the player who has moved the least to get sudden cramp and make their aim sporadically jerky. Occasional yelps of pain will also alert opponents to their position making that camping plan a little less safe.
Now obviously we don’t expect all of these to make it into the final game, but surely at least one isn’t too much to ask for… Have you got any better ideas that would be worth adding to the list?